Halo 3 Screwed Up Version
by Neptin The Sangheili
Summary: i'm back after a while i've been procrastinating but now i'm ready to be funneh like a boss PLEASE ENJOY rated m for strong language and mild sexual themes
1. Chapter 1: Dead on Arrival Level Caboose

**Halo 3 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 1: Dead On Arrival Level Caboose**

_Halo my friends! My name is NeptinTheSangheili. How are you? I is great! I finally found the script thanks to the penname:TkeleChoG._

_Thanks man I owe you one. I also want to give a thanks to pennames: Cybermat47 and 03-636 Ebullient Ancilla._

_Okay I'm talking too much now let's start._

In the night sky a several bright pinpoints of the forerunner ship.

It's starts coming down from the sky.

The scene looks down a little bit of a tranquil forest, with lush forestry and a winding river but for some odd reason there was no river.

Then randomly Cortana starts speaking, "They let me pick. Did I ever tell you that? I had to choose whichever asshole I wanted."

The broken parts of the ship or a random thing that was on fire getting closer.

She continued, "You know me. I did my shit for you. And watched as you became an asshole to everyone. Like the others you were a dumbass and a retard. A natural dickhead. But you had something that no one saw but me."

The fire ball is getting closer.

She continued (Jesus Christ! Are you finished!), "Can you guess? …Sorry figure it out."

Then you hear chief yelling, "BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH"

He was interrupted by the crash.

The camera views down toward the forest, with the sun streaming through the trees onto the smoking ruin where the object hit the ground.

The camera zooms in on Johnson's cap.

It says "Got to love the ladies."

The marines found chief laying on the ground.

Johnson replied, "Stay sharp!"

Then turns toward Marine Corpsman and gave a nod.

Corpsman replied, "His armor is locked up and he has no vital signs."

Johnson replies, "Radio VTOL. We are leaving him here."

He said that while taking out the chip that Cortana was in.

Then chief grabs Johnson's hand while getting up and saying, "Oh hell naw! You are not leaving me here!"

Johnson sighs, "Crazy green fuck! Why do you always jump? One day you're going to land on something as stubborn as Cortana."

Chief eyeballed him. "You fucker!"

He pulls up Cortana's chip and says, "She stayed behind."

Johnson replies, "Oh I was about to ask you but okay then."

Pauses for a moment.

"Corporal? Make it quick."

Then the marine walked to chief then said, "Sorry sir. Your armor's still in partial lockdown."

Chief sighs, "I always hated this part."

_5 hours later._

Chief is pissed, Johnson is pissed, The Arbiter is getting pissed.

Then chief finally yelled, "ARE FUCKING DONE YET!"

Marine replied, "I've been done."

Chief still pissed replied, "Why didn't you tell me then?!"

Marine said with a troll smile, "I forgot."

Then started singing the TROLOLOLOLOL song.

Chief grabbed Johnson's pistol and shot him.

He died (LOL).

The Chief looks around, taking in his surroundings.

Somewhere near him is a familiar sight...the heat-wave effect: The Covenant Active Camouflage Johnson gives it a nod.

An Elite decloaks, revealing itself to be the Thel Vadum which is the Arbiter.

Chief points the pistol at Thel.

Johnson steps in front of chief saying, "Don't kill him he's with us."

Then walks toward chief.

"Come on now. We got enough to worry about without you two killing each other even though it will be comedy in my book."

Chief puts down the pistol.

Then the Arbiter said, "Wow."

Then walked away while saying, "We must go the Brutes have our scent."

Then Johnson replies, "Then they must love the smell of rape and I'm kind of scared."

_thanks for reading, review please_


	2. Chapter 2: Sierra 456

**Halo 3 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 2: Sierra 456**

_Back again to read a funneh chapter I see. Hmmm NOPE._

"First squad, you're my scouts. Move out! Quiet as sex." ,says Johnson.

Chief replied annoyed, "That's not quiet dumbass."

Johnson answered embarrassed, "Oh."

Then they started heading for their extraction.

They stopped to hear a brute howl.

Chief pulled up his rifle while saying, "I hate wolves."

Johnson replied annoyed, "Wow."

Then Sergeant Gunny Reynolds said over the COM, "Johnson, you be advised. Hostiles are _static _on the move _static _I've got eyes on a _static _Brute Pack having sex. Over."

Johnson replied to himself, "_What the fuck?!_"

Then the marines, Thel, Chief, and Johnson saw a phantom drive by.

Chief replies, "Hey guys! There's a phantom."

Thel snapped sarcastically, "Oh really? Thanks for the update retard."

Chief said angrily, "Why do you covenant keep calling me that?!"

Johnson said to Chief, "Okay my team will go up this water fall and you and the Arbiter go toward the river."

Chief looked at the Thel and Thel did the same and Chief said angrily, "Oh hell no! I'm not staying with this pussy mouth faggot."

Thel got angry and pulled out his energy sword and said angrily, "You waste of life!"

Johnson interrupted, "Go already!"

Chief and Thel replied angrily, "Fine!"

Then brutes came out of nowhere, "Fuck." was all chief said.

_5 hours later._

Chief and Thel ended up on a cliff.

Thel pointed at a building and you can see Johnson getting kicked around by a Brute.

Then they put him in a cell.

Chief sighs, "Oh great! Now I got to save his little ass."

_Another 10 minutes later_.

Chief and Thel battle their way across the dam, taking down the chieftain.

They finally reach Johnson, who was about to get raped by a brute till chief killed him.

Johnson said relieved, "Oh thank God once they capture you they rape you till you die."

Chief yelled, "HAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Then a lot of covenant came out of nowhere.

Thel face palmed.

After when they all died, pelican came and picked up Chief and Thel.

And Johnson somehoe ended up on the pelican.

Then the pelican Kilo 23 took off.

While in the pelican, Johnson gives Chief a pat on the shoulder appreciatively and walked into the cockpit.

Then they fly off to the sunset to the next level where they landed.

_Sorry for being so short blame school because their assholes for giving me tons of homework_


	3. Chapter 3: Crow's Nest Kaw Kaw Kaw

**Halo 3 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 3: Crow's Nest Kaw Kaw Kaw**

_Derp derp derpity derp XD let's get wet I mean started_

_p.s. sorry it took so long, school is fucking gay_

Kilo 023 touched down.

Medics load an injured marine on a stretcher and move like sonic.

Chief, Thel (Arbiter), and Johnson got off the pelican.

Then randomly Johnson says to the book writer (which is me :3), "Why am I always last?"

I replied, "Ugh. Fine!"

Johnson, Chief, and Thel got off the pelican.

Then Johnson answered, "That's much better."

Marines are sitting by the landing pad see chief get out of the pelican.

Then chief interrupts, "Why is Johnson first?"

I replied angrily, "I'M NOT MAKING ANY MORE CHANGES!"

Chief answers, "Aw fuck me."

Commander Miranda Keyes came out of the landing pad to meet Johnson, 'Vadam and Chief.

Chief interrupts…again, "Seriously? Why am I last now?"

Then I put a big ass pistol to chief's head.

Chief said nervously, "Um…never mind."

I said, "Exactly. Now shut the fuck up and let me narrate."

Keyes questioned Johnson, "Where did you fine the green shit?"

Johnson replies with a laugh, "He was napping out back."

They salute as she salutes back and smiles.

Chief started getting pissed about the comment Miranda said.

Then she turned to chief, "Let's get you up to speed."

Down in the hallways of the base, wounded Marines have laid against the walls.

Two Marines were chatting to each other.

Then they noticed Commander Keyes and the Master Chief.

They make their way and saluted while chief gave them the finger.

Keyes started explaining some random shit about…well…uh…shit.

The chief question, "What about Dahalo?"

She replied, ""We stopped it, but only temporarily. Now, the Prophet of Truth is looking for something called 'The Ark', where he'll be able to fire all the Dahalo Rings. If he succeeds, Humanity, The Covenant, every sentient being in the Galaxy..."

Chief said shockingly, "Those rings, man. They will fuck us in the asshole."

Thel replied, "That sounds like it hurts."

Chief had a cold chill, scared, "It does."

A technician who is running the base said to Keyes, "Ma'am, I have Lord Hood."

Commander Keyes ordered, "Patch him through."

Then Lord Hood appeared on the main screen.

He replies, "Good news, Commander Keyes?"

Keyes looks at Chief and give him a weird look for no apparent reason and says, "As good as it gets, sir."

Hood replies annoyed, "Of course you're still alive."

Chief replies to himself, "_Don't talk to me like that you old fuck__._"

Hood replies (fucking speeches), "Anyways I'm confident – " (Oh thank God).

The power went down, but somehow no one gave a fuck.

Then the Technician angrily said after 5 minutes, "God dammit!"

Then the Prophet of Truth (he actually lies) appeared on the screen.

He says happily, "Hey guys! I'm on T.V.! OMGWTFBBQ! I'm awesome like Prussia"

Then he realized that he was talking to the humans.

"Oh…uh…I will activate the rings and kill you all, and your retard won't stop me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then the power turns on.

Sergeant Johnson was watching porn on the computer.

All he said was, "Damn."

Chief questioned angrily, "Why does everyone call me a fucking retard?!"

Everyone ignored him.

Chief said to himself, "_Of course._"

Keyes came to her senses and said, "We're about to get attacked!"

Chief said in a PewDiePie way, "I fucking knew it!"

Keyes yelled to everyone, "Alright everyone time to go to war."

Then everyone cheered like in one of those Teletubbies show.

Chief grabbed a weapon while being ordered to defend the hanger.

_4 years later…hell no it's not halo 4 screwed up version yet._

_4 hours later…now that's much better._

Chief huffed and puffed and blew the house down…wait…what?

He got out of the hanger.

Then he was ordered to head back to the room with t.v.'s, people, where Truth gave his retarded speech and stuff.

Chief saw a bomb and said shockingly, "Why the hell is a bomb here?"

Johnson replies in a good mood, "Because we are going to blow this fucking base with the Covenant inside."

Chief replies loudly, "HELL YEAH!"

Johnson activated the bomb and got the hell out.

Chief went down a random elevator and blew up.

Then you randomly hear Chief have a Cortana moment, "This place will become your home and your tomb."

_Well, what do u think? Review and like me and book and follow._


End file.
